Upon realizing so many things of my life in this year past, and so the 44 previous posts that I have migrated from MySpace... I realize that year long thoughts tend to make you uncomfortable with so many memories that might open old wounds.
I realize now that I'm foolish to think people are merciful, or kind; I was naive to think that the good in you might be stronger than the convenient in you... and that at the end individuality might get the best of you, leaving the rest of us suffering from the bitter part of yourself.
People think they know what's best for them, the most important things, the most valuable memories and possesions... and throught out this year, I've come to realize that it takes a lot of effort and so much emotional intelligence to even approach the very beginning of your path, that one that might get you slightly close to what is convinient for you, good for you, good for your life and you world.
I began writing this... I dunno... in January, perhaps? and four months into this year, you would say the appreciation changed... but no... I'm more convinced right now that a cubicle brings the worst in many people... and even more, adulthood and the illusion of importance, brings to perfectly good human beings, the possibility of turning into mechanical beings, defendants of a virtual reality they call a "successful life"
And so, a person that could live a balanced, karmic-free life, becomes a person creating karma with others, debts that I wished could be paid for in this lifetime, but the bets come along pointing to a doubtful future of inter-existence debt stubs.
And there goes my aspiration of actually growing above my karmic debts and trying to learn useful teachings above the nonsense that I've been pulled into. I don't need to learn from it, I already know it, what amazes me is the fact that people that traditionally you would be encouraged to admire, live so below the range of acceptability in the matters of justice, truth and honesty.
We all know it, the world is basically filled with people like this, and still, my only fault might be naiveness. And in that, they might be right; I was naive to believe that there may be a different approach to an organic structure, that you can actually live and share with people that consider others, that believe in fairness and that good might reign over all.
Nothing could be farther from the reality.
You have to come to realize that maybe, in the hopes of actually having one, the one hope that drives you around to actually have something to live for, might be something ephemeral. There's nothing.
Perhaps we never even out. Perhaps today the faults live to hurt and tomorrow die into their rightful owners... the shadows always find the way to their bodies. And in the way, it might be impossible to avoid getting into more darkness.
I don't really believe in the unreliability... what I believe in, only the people that matter know of, only the people that deserve it know of, and even when now you might be feeling proud and high over a conquest futile and shadowy, tomorrow, the universe will even out. The cosmos always rectifies in some way or another, above us.
What's left is conscience.
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