Decisions and choices that I've probably mentioned before have made me be in a continous jump from string to string, since almost a year ago, and while very exciting, I would sincerely like some comfort in my pocket.
I don't even remember why I started writing this... I'm watching Lost and probably drifting out too much into my own toughts.
This is what happens when you're forced out of your comfort zone, the rutine and your dynamics. The thing is that in the past year I haven't had that, every time I suppose I'm close to thinking that I can sit down and put up my plant in the desk, I jump... again.
Ironically, the only place I've found comfort in is out there, in the air. It only lives in the ungraspability, in the brief phone calls, in the urgency of something that, in the reality of other people and some time our own lives, does not deserve such urgency.
This is what happens when you're forced out of your comfort zone, the rutine and your dynamics. The thing is that in the past year I haven't had that, every time I suppose I'm close to thinking that I can sit down and put up my plant in the desk, I jump... again.
Ironically, the only place I've found comfort in is out there, in the air. It only lives in the ungraspability, in the brief phone calls, in the urgency of something that, in the reality of other people and some time our own lives, does not deserve such urgency.
Even when this is unexistant thing in the material world, it has brought me the most satisfaction I've ever had in my whole professional life, because for once, I love what I do, with the people I do it with. This is the difference between what you do because you're told and what you do because you love.
So in the course of keep doing the things that I love, this week I've numbed my mind enough to not think that much, the days go by and I keep counting them. I've been sitting and waiting for 100 days of 105 periods of 24 hours that brewed a decision, that guess what? Another set of people made for me.
This time around, I gave them permission to do so.
And it so happens that I've always wondered about hunches, about signs, about leads that make you think that you're on the right path, that you took the right decision, that whatever happens, its for the best. In my case though, the implications, I'm afraid are too great.
I've come to the point where I've not allowed myself to read the horoscope (something I do every Sunday, yes, I'm somewhat supersticious) My brother offered to call a person that reads the cards and I was too afraid to do it, I don't want to even give myself the chance to think that this decision would not favor my wishes and that at the end, I'm back to square one.
In this little annoying, asphixiating, depressing, dark square.
To this point, I'm even afraid to dial a phone.
What do you do when you question everything? yourself, others, the steps you've taken to get here... what happens when you're so over critical of yourself that you never think is going to be enough?
