Thank you, Max.

This month, I'm glad that its almost over.

If you're one of my closest friends, you probably know that it's been a hard one. Too much has happened, in more ways than one.

I should say that a constant pattern in my life is that I keep this cycle where I constantly stop myself from doing things because I'm always thinking of what's to come. Part of it because I want to be prepared... or because I don't want to fill my life with things I then have to let go because I find myself not having time to enjoy them or use them. I avoid becoming attached to things because I've lived my life always moving, always having to scramble to a new reality. And letting go of things is hard and painful.

I once lived about seven years without a couch in my apartment because I was constantly thinking that I would move sooner than later and I would have to sell the couch... and why bother? I ended up living all those years with a twin mattress in the middle of my very barren living room so that people had something to sit on. It made for very interesting conversations and even more interesting events during my college years. Also, no couch was perfect, and then I would have to live with the eyesore (or bum sore?) and what if no one wanted it when I needed to get rid of it?

I'm not in college anymore, but in many ways, the way I live my life still borderlines the one of a 22 yr. old and it shouldn't be that way. I'm 30, for god's sake.

I think I've talked about uncertainty many times before. Not having the slight clue of what's going to happen tomorrow being the engine for me to keep going and, then with this situation, stopping me from moving forward. Out of fear? I don't know. Out of comfort? laziness? Maybe.

Maybe I'm still a twenty something in my head.

One of the things I set myself for last year, since I was working during the summer, was that this one I would actually enjoy living in LA. Go to the beach over the weekend, visit museums, and do the odd indie project that I've been meaning to get off the ground. Nothing too big, right?

I hope that summer 2013 proves to be easier and lets me delay these plans once again.

This month left me with a bunch of events that, one way or another, played out to be eye opening. Some maturity should come of it all.

So, someone crashed into my beloved car the second day of the month, just when I was gearing to start one of the busiest ones I've had this year. And let me tell you, this car was probably the only real possession I had here in the States. My means of living and probably, because of all the things we went through, one of my best friends.

I cared for him, I pampered him, and he understood that I didn't have the money to repair the left rear wheel bearing that was broken or get him new rims. Besides, someone once promised me that "he" would gift me those for graduation. (pfft!) That never happened, but I still put the nice conditioner on the leather seats, got him serviced with the good stuff... he took me to places I never knew I could visit, he listened with me to good old rock and roll while trying to forget about the stress and heard me and my friends dream of what our futures will be.

He could fit 4 days worth of crafty for a film crew. He was a meeting room, a writer's room, a confessional, a guest bedroom and sometimes, even an actor. He reminded me of things I had gone through and the things I was yet to face. I even covered his speakers when I (shamefully) drooled over other cars. He was quite the champ. My car's name was Max, and I loved him. He was always warm in the winter and cool in the summer and drove like a charm. Even to the last moment I sat on his very comfy seat, he protected me enough to think that what had happened wasn't that bad, and I didn't get that hurt. To the very last minute, he was my friend, and you'll see why.

I cannot begin to tell you the nightmare it became, being stuck to not being able to move freely in a city like Los Angeles, having to deal with insurance claims and making people uncomfortable because of things I had left unsolved before, and then some other very uncomfortable details that I'll spare you of.

In a turn of events, had I not crashed the car, had it not been totaled and consequentially gotten the settlement check, I wouldn't had been able to pay rent this month, or pay for my brother's rent in Panama, utility bills, and so forth.

Had I not crashed my car, I wouldn't have had the time to think and set things straight with situations that I had delayed for months.

Had I not crashed my car, this wouldn't had been the month I've written the most and challenged myself to make the extra effort to let go of ridiculous hold backs, because let's face it, it's "make it or break it" time.

Had I not crashed my car, I wouldn't had been able to know who were the people that would jump at the chance to help me, support me, and lastly, keep me from dwelling in the negative to see the positive side of all of this and come out of this month battered but a lot richer in spirit and knowledge.

I can't say that I've matured enough to not need help, but then who ever does? I'm not of the opinion that one works our way out of the hole completely on their own. Even when its just moral support, we always need our friends, or inspiration, or just the certainty that out there, there's people rooting for you to climb back out. Probably, what July 2012 left behind it's some certainty that I can still find a way to not crumble and become an useless puddle and give up.

Having put in perspective how dependent I am of certain things and how I hold back in others, I found myself tossing that tendency of being too careful when unnecessary or shy, and force myself to walk the extra mile to think outside the box, to say the things that need to be said and to open doors to opportunities that I had discarded because I feared rejection or inadequacy.

There's definitely many things that are still up in the air, and that will never be settled and laid down to a T. The best I can do its continue to ride this tide, and give myself permission to enjoy things that I could be enjoying right now, and to allow myself to crash and burn for a while.

As I listen to the last music playlist I put together to enjoy while driving in LA traffic while sitting in my beloved best friend, I promise myself that next year, I will go to the beach every weekend, I'll drive to San Francisco, I'll load my car with yet another production package from Castex. Next year, I'll look at this month and be thankful of it and everything that changed in my head.