Cos-Play, Expectations and Other Types of Assumptions

I've been going through the entries of this blog and I've found that I rarely let this particular part of my life come out and play. The sentimental stuff. I do it on other blogs that I own, that are strategically set up to keep them from being associated with me to the general public.

My closest friends know of them. They read them, and I'm alright with that.

I did notice though, that the character of those blogs prevents me from theorizing about the topic I write about in them. Because, I also detached myself from them to try to find sense in what I write.

I don't particularly feel like I should have a blog about relationships. I already have an acquaintance that has one, and she does a very good job at analyzing her life through it. Why would I want to add my examinations to the pool of "Dating & Relationships" topic?

Tonight though, I found myself with the dire need of writing about this, especially after reading my latest entries. I saw through those, that I seem so focused on getting somewhere: achieving something that most of the time relates to my career, to my professional aspirations, to my house decor, to my financial situation, but I don't particularly talk about the girl.

I forget the girl exists sometimes, even when my scribbles are definitely girly and frequently idealistic.

Back in college, my best friend and I got into this dynamic of sometimes rejecting our own girly ways, because we found them silly, or erroneously thought that they made us weaker. "Macro-Mujer" became an insult on a daily basis, when we found ourselves putting too much attention to wearing heels, or looking too made up, or even wearing a slightly more noticeable makeup than the day before. 

Basically, we were insulting ourselves when we became fake girl impressions, mimicking societies' standards of what was supposed to be attractive, regardless of the fact that something was too tight, or the heels were awful, or we were wearing way too much makeup that probably made us look ridiculous.

There was a time where she and I would have very similar ways to dress, and its natural; best friends are like that sometimes. Sneakers, relaxed girly T-shirts, low waist jeans and minimal make-up. I still do dress that way, but I think at some point I rebelled into these looks by also liking pumps and quirky dresses and hairstyles that eventually settled as my style. I wouldn't say that I'm ready to strut the street like your regular Carrie Bradshaw, but come the years, I found out why it was wrong, at that point, to play dress up to a dramatically different style for the reasons we would do it, or at least... I did.

Here's the thing. Back in the day, when we played dress up, we were doing it to impress. To draw attention from some boy that we'd like that month, or in some cases, the entire three years of our basic studies. If I could only share those stories.... God, what were we thinking?

And you'd ask, why was that wrong? Well, basically because we weren't remodeling ourselves for the sake of finding our comfort zone, our character, our style. We were doing it to make someone think that we were what they wanted, or what we thought they were looking for.

With time those tendencies grew old. Not only because the tricks didn't work, but also because there's just so much that you can put up with, without finding yourself growing tired of not being you. Back in the day, inexperience drew us to form surrealistic fantasies of what our lives would be if we just got to be that guy's girlfriend, and have our days filled with their attention and care, and what we thought it was to loved by them.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly aware that guys notice you when you dress this way or the other. This experimentation left on me that is not what you're wearing that draws the ultimate attention. There's a reason why those antics did not play out: We weren't being ourselves. And believe me, you don't want to find yourself trapped in a costume that you hate, just for the sake of maintaining a boyfriend or an appearance of who you think people expect you to be. At some point, it gets as heavy as a horse on your shoulders, and you are not able to keep up the act anymore.

And thinking about that, I realize that girls do this in so many other aspects of their lives. Like what we're looking for in a relationship. 

From the time we're toddlers, we're bombarded with the Disney model of thinking. You will grow up to be the perfect princess that will find the perfect prince. He will come to conquer you, riding his mighty white stallion and sweep you off to some fantastic castle to live a lifetime of idealistic, or rather unrealistic, love. Depending on where you live, you might have talking rodents for style advice or maybe dwarfs that will be at your call for any sort of business you need sorted... like... beating people up in a snow covered field. If you didn't get this reference, you didn't go see silly movies this year.

I'm sure you know by now that these fables don't happen, and if it did happen to you, please email me. I want to hear all about it.

I found out in the six short years after I finished college, out of the bubble of the daily exposure to jocks and fake gentlemen, that not only what I had in my head as the idea of my perfect love life was wrong, but it was also unattainable in the way that I thought things would develop.

Because these are all fake resources. These were "cos-play" ideas of what relationships are. These were unrealistic expectations toward human nature, that 99% of the time are dead wrong into what makes someone happy. You don't want to live your life like a one-dimensional character, that finds complete happiness by finally getting a prince to slip a crystal pump studded with diamonds on your foot. Just like you don't want to live your life maintaining an image that is not you. 

So this concept of calling yourself a "Macro-Mujer" or a "Macro-woman" shouldn't be in that sense an insult, but it should instead be reworked to refer to you when you've found the ability to explore yourself, and be OK and comfortable with who you are and what you want out of life.

In that search, I've tried to figure out what it is that I'm looking for in a person. What do I plan to find in this guy that's attracted to me for who I am?

It would be so easy to have people cataloged in alphabetized categories according to what attracts them, and then look around you and zero in that potential life partner... Hell, forget about a life commitment. How about a really good relationship... that resolves into running its course to whatever natural development its destined to?

In my case, the "shallow me" would browse this catalog for the type of boys that would be attracted to my love for my converse & t-shirt collections, but that understands at the same time that I'm in love with Christian Louboutin's pumps.

If we go deeper, he would also have to understand that I'm a gigantic nerdy fangirl, that will go from a conversation about politics and diplomacy, to a screaming flail, because someone just found deleted footage from the latest X-Files movie and put it on YouTube and Tumblr in all its HD and Gif glory. 

I'd add to the list that I rarely sleep in normal patterns, and when I do, I lay across the head of my bed instead of lengthwise. Please don't ask why, 'cause I don't know. Also, I've gradually developed a strong love for coffee, vintage skirts and purses. I read philosophy for my own amusement. I cook gourmet dishes for 3 people, but eat the portions a two year old, and sometimes, around 4am, I get this craving to go for a walk around the neighborhood.

I'd also love that person to know, that I really enjoy being in silence in a room with someone, without feeling awkward about it. I find that very intimate for some reason. I like staring contests that I often end when I wink at them purposely. I roll my eyes as if my life depended on it. I'm a terrible poker player, and the thought of someone holding my hand under the table... is the most adorable gesture I've come to appreciate over the years.

If I were to cross reference that information in this catalog, what am I going to find? Its not only about finding the style of how you look outside, but also how you look inside... and how this mixes with how that other person built up their own style. And this is just a very superficial tell of the things that I want boys to see in me when they look at me.

I don't want someone that wants me mainly because my eyes are green or blue. I want someone that knows that when they're blue, I'm at my saddest. When they're green, I'm on a roll, and that figures out a way to know why they turn yellow sometimes. I don't want someone that likes my accent because it sounds sexy, but because I come from another culture that is different than yours and I probably have lived experiences that you'll never get to live. You don't want someone that looks at you and loves you in a one-dimensional way, and to achieve that, you can't be covered in layers upon layers of a "fake you."

Now, I'm not going to tell you that in these six years I found my prince charming. I haven't, and in a sort of way, I'm OK with that. It has taken me about the same time to learn to love myself for what I am, with all my defects: with the fact that my calves are not good for knee high boots, that I'm 5'3" and that's just fine. Even when I'd like to be like some unicorn-like girls, that are 5'9" and can rock the long dresses that you get to wear with the amazing Louboutin pumps. Plus, they can alter dresses to look good on you, you just have to find a dress that actually fits you.

I've learned to embrace the fact that I'm stubborn, that I still feel like I have a sea of things to learn, that I'm a loner and that's cool. Most importantly, I've learned that until I don't fall in love with myself, I probably won't allow anyone else to fall in love with me. Why, you say? Because, when you fall in love, you do because you're looking at a reflection of who you are, reflected in that other person. And yes, I learned that from another movie, that went totally overlooked, and it has way more layers than people notice. It's not a narcissistic concept if you think about it.

I don't want to fall in love with a perfect person, because those don't exist. "Perfect" is boring, dull and not ambitious. "Perfect" sometimes doubles its meaning, for some people, as a situation where there won't be struggles, or discovery, or disenchantment. They find themselves, upon that realization, saying that then, because the situation was not perfect, its a negative situation. The truth is that this discovery could be the most amazing thing that could have happened to them, because that's when the real human experience begins. We're the most flawed beings, and that makes us the most fascinating.

Wouldn't you want to live your life, or a good part of it, peeling away the different textures and appreciating the different shades of that other person? To find yourself enthralled by the sense of adventure that it is to find something new everyday, with all of its low and high notes, that would then bring awareness of a new discovery in your own self. If this wasn't the purpose of life, then why do we live to be 70-something if it wasn't because we need that time to learn, grow and evolve? What would then you use that lifetime for?

And this doesn't mean that going through that process guarantees you success. It just means that you're living a real life, and not wasting your time avoiding growth and self realization. Avoidance is not living. Dodging the truth of who you are and who others are is living in an alternate reality that won't sustain itself. There's just so much that you can fake until the imperfect weave of what humans are shows through displaying its true colors. There's not enough makeup in this world that will cover that up.

I'm wonderfully at ease with embracing the idea of maybe figuring out this lifetime eventually, with company or not. I'll eventually know if I'm ready and that I've found you, probably when it doesn't feel like I'm holding my breath... and that upon a silly conversation, I'll feel as if I'm having the best conversation with myself.